Hardbodies

Mark Griffiths – 1984 – USA

One of many dreadful, cheesy and horribly dated sex comedies from the early and mid-80s, Hardbodies may actually be one of the better ones, not because it has any higher dramatic ambitions, but simply because it handles its puerile clichés and cruddy acting in a way that seems strangely competent.  A carefree beach bum and chick-magnet (Grant Cramer) is hired by a trio of square, ugly older guys to teach them how to get laid; in return, he gets to use their swinging pad for his own conquests.  The “comedy” in the film is labored and really pathetic, with gags that you would expect in a home-movie conceived by children.  The bits aren’t even dirty; they’re just stupid.  Attempts to give a damn about any of the characters, even the hero, are doomed to frustration, since they are yanked about according to the whims of the filmmakers.  For example, despite giving articulate lectures on the best scams to use on women to make them put out, all of a sudden in the middle of the film Cramer gets dead serious spouting feminist mottos to a would-be rapist; “No means no,” he solemnly intones.  Similarly, sometimes he’s an all-around playboy happy to dump girls as fast as he can bang them, and then – moments later – he’s a victim of love-at-first-sight and pledges love to one girl.  That’s not a character arc, though; he literally goes back and forth, depending on whether or not too much movie time has gone by without some T&A.  It’s not unwatchable in the same smarmy way that something like Porky’s is, and there are a couple decent laughs in it, but not much else to recommend it.  On the most basic level, there isn’t even much pleasure to be had in the nudity; it’s just sad, as if you can hear the fake promises being made to the girls off-camera about how Hollywood is dying to throw open its doors to them as soon as they can get those tops off.